FIRST blog of 2009… Did you have a good New Year’s Day?
6:18am… First Funny in the Morning!
Signs Your Divorce Isn’t Going Well!
· Since his recent divorce, your lawyer has been using his car for an office.
· Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.
· In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.
· Spouse’s attorney constantly high-fiving judge.
· The judge rules that your support payments will be double until the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl.
· Jeez, deposition after deposition — and you thought the whole point of this was so you didn’t have to listen to her yappin’ anymore.
6:30am… People reportedly paid Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston $300,000 for pictures of their newborn son Tripp. Am not sure if her baby is all that attractive…
7:04am… FYI…Britney Spears’ New Years’ resolution: to stop biting her nails. (Which is kind of weird, because MY New Years’ resolution is to stop SPITTING them!)
7:12am… Today’s Fact: The only place evangelist Billy Graham has said his prayers are never answered is “on the golf course.”
7:30am… Atheists have filed a lawsuit before the U.S. District Court in DC to prevent president-elect Barack Obama from swearing to God as well as trying to prevent religious figures from saying prayers during the presidential inauguration.
I looked up the actual meaning of Atheist: A person who denies or disbelieves the existence of a supreme being or beings.
I don’t quite understand WHY they have a problem with someone else praying or putting their hand on a bible. An atheist religous belief is……… NOTHING. So they are, IN FACT, doing what they want to stop — which is pushing one’s religion onto another. I guess I wouldn’t have a problem if THEY wanted to put their hand on a book with blank pages (remember, they don’t believe in anything), to take their oath.
8:18am… Sniffing something that smells good, such as fresh flowers or a fragrance you especially like, could make for pleasant dreams, according to a study from researchers… however, if the last thing you smell is something your partner just did… not so good.
8:45am… Impossible Question: 29% of Americans use two of these every day. What are they? Answer: Alarm Clocks Winner: Bonnie Reinders from Sioux Center, Iowa.
6:00am… Okay, I had a REALLY hard time getting out of bed this morning. I sat up — and felt like I had just participated in a 15 round heavyweight fight (and THESE days they only go TWELVE rounds)! This afternoon, I think I hear a nap calling me…….. (Steve….. oh STEVE!)
6:12am…We sold out the Vikings Playoff Bus in 24-hours. We put it on the air at 4pm Monday and had it FULL at 4pm yesterday. RADIO works well — if you have a product people want and advertise it on wnax, you will be successful.
6:18am… First Funny in the Morning! Signs You’re at a Bad New Year’s Eve Party!
· ”Party hats” look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones.
· The Amish can do many things well, but throwing parties ain’t one of them.
· You get there and it’s just you and Steve Imming.
· The noisemakers are drowned out by all the gunfire.
· You scream, “Happy New Year!” and the guy in the convenience store says, “Thanks, man.”
· The “Champagne” is really apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer.
· You notice a “Happy 2004″ tag on the package of shrimp you’ve been eating all night.
· The entertainment is a Tupperware demonstration.
· This’ll liven things up: “Let’s polka!”
7:04am… Ford announced that in 2010 they will introduce cars that can parallel park themselves. Listen: Park
7:12am… Funny or Not! (Warning: this segment could generally be offensive to those who are offended easily — lighten up please.)
The Roman emperor Commodus would collect all of the dwarfs, cripples, and freaks of the land and bring them to Rome. He would then take them to the Coliseum, where they were ordered to fight each other to the death with meat cleavers. I mean, in a WAY its funny……….. or NOT?
7:20am… What do you MEAN this isn’t New Year’s Day? Listen: New Years
7:57am… Today is History!
1991…The U.S. issued a patent (#5,076,262) to Brian Coffey of Portland, Oregon, for his Ear Flattening Device, tiny flexible pads with pressure-sensitive adhesive on both sides to stick behind a person’s ears to keep them from sticking out.
8:18am… What ELSE is Going on?
A study out of the University of Maryland found that Internet chatroom participants with user names like “Melissa” and “Cathy” received 25 times more threatening and sexually explicit private instant messages than those with male or ambiguous user names like “Brad” or “Stargazer.” Female users got attacked regardless of whether they were actively chatting or dead silent.
A Peruvian woman named Virgin Mary gave birth to a baby boy on Christmas that she named Jesus. He’ll spend the rest of his life telling people, “No, I’m the OTHER one.”
Hallmark is recalling 7,000 jumbo snowman snow globes because if you put them in sunlight, they can act as magnifying glasses and set nearby things on fire. Can you imagine how disappointed you would be when you get a jumbo snowman for Christmas, only to find out what it can REALLY do?
Binghamton University student Shawn Goldsmith, has earned all 121 merit badges available as a Boy Scout. And he did it just in time for his 18th birthday. You only need to earn 21 badges to become an Eagle Scout. To earn all 121 is extremely rare. It took him over five years to accomplish this incredible feat.
SOME BADGES SHAWN STILL NEEDS TO EARN ……
- Making Fart Sounds With Just Your Hands
- Long Distance Spitting
- Text While Walking
- Going On A Date With A Girl Badge
- The Seriously it is Time to Move on, Kid Badge
- Live at Home Until You’re 40 Badge
8:45am… Impossible Question
40% of us wish we would have gotten one of THESE for Christmas. What is it? Answer: A gift card Winner: Wendy Stiegelmier from Winner, South Dakota.
Almost time to say “buh bye” to 2008. I remember when the year 2000 seemed SO FAR into the future……. Now? I’ve started counting the football seasons I have left. Ha.
6:12am… Stat of the day: 17% of workers have snooped through other people’s desks after hours.
6:18am… First Funny in the Morning! NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR 2009 . . . . . . · To reduce the stress of trying to lose weight, I will gain 30 pounds this year.
· I will ask my boss if I can stop wearing a name tag.
· I will stop spitting on people.
· I will no longer waste my time relieving the past. Instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
· I will not be late for anything… except, you know, when I’m running behind.
· I will clear out the McDonalds wrappers from behind my desk.
· I will continue to NOT exercise.
· I will quit focusing on my faults and start focusing on the faults of others.
· I will no longer procrastinate. Starting tomorrow.
6:30am… Had quite a rush last night on Vikings Playoff bus seats/tickets. We have a big ‘ol bus and lower level tickets to Sunday’s game against the Eagles. Wanna come along?
6:47am… Today is National Antacid Day. Am thinking I have the stomach of a goat, cause I am not even sure what “antacid” is. I’ve heard others complain about it, but am not sure I’ve ever had it? (Am looking it up…)
Lets see……………………….. If you have indigestion you may have the following symptoms:
pain, fullness or discomfort in the upper part of your abdomen or chest
heartburn (what is heartburn?)
loss of appetite
feeling sick
flatulence (gas passed from your rectum), burping or belching
I don’t think I’ve had ANY of those things….. (’cept the LAST one, ha)
7:30am… Saddam was hanged by the neck until dead TWO years ago today. We have newly discovered audio… Listen: Saddam
7:47am… A report says 1 in 6 households have cell phones instead of landlines…
Creepy Odd? Funeral directors are getting requests to bury the deceased with their cell phones.
Impossible Question: Only one in four teenagers owns one of these. What is it? Answer: A Wristwatch Winner: Carol Cleaver from Sioux City, Iowa
6:00am… I managed to get 107 folks back from Minneapolis last night. A good time was had by all… as we attended the Timberwolves-Magic game on Saturday night and the Vikings-Giants game yesterday. As I write, we are working FEVERISHLY at putting together a Vikings Playoff Bus Trip.
First Funny in the Morning!
SIGNS THE GIFT YOU BOUGHT YOUR WIFE DIDN’T GO OVER WELL . . . . . . . .
· She re-gifted it… to your mother.
· The pillow and blanket on the sofa tell ya anything, gift boy?
· She’s online right now… shopping … for diamonds …. with your credit card.
· You awake from the coma January 2nd.
· It’s now on eBay.
· Divorce papers, an IRS audit, and an empty bank statement, all dated 26 Dec.
· The gift, your clothes, your dog and beer are all on the garage floor … next to your car … which is running.
· You’re the new angel on top of the Christmas tree … so to speak.
7:04am… Did you see the Barack Obama - bare chested - picture? Well, he isn’t the only 40-year old someone who looks good. Check out MY picture!
YES, that is ME! (or not)
Or is THIS is me — can’t remember…
7:30am… A study says 1 extra hour of sleep a day helps prevent heart disease. I was talking to Jerry Oster last week and he was telling me about a study that says for every hour you DON’T sleep that you SHOULD sleep (8 hours a night), you lose that same amount of time at the end of your life. Meaning, you DIE sooner! Is that right????? Am going to be a goner in a few years?!
8:20am… Gobbling down your meals quickly and continuing to eat until you are full may be enough to nearly triple your risk of being overweight, according to HealthDay News. No kidding?
8:40am… Australian environmental scientists claim that Christmas lights contribute to global warming. Know what “I” think? I think Australian environmental scientists BREATHING contributes to global warming….
Impossible Question: 90% of picky eater kids will eat this, but only 10% of adults will. What is it? Answer: Snow Winner: Mike Himley from Brookings, South Dakota
The many Americans who retire this year at age 66 deserve to relax and rest since they would have started working at the high school age of 16 and will be ending 50 years of toil. And these ex-workers will have a lot in common besides finally earning the right to collect their Social Security benefits. According to an AARP profile of these Americans, the new retirees will have:
· Heard their alarm clock ring a whopping 12,500 mornings.
· Enjoyed 2,500 Friday night happy hour get togethers.
· Said goodbye to one job and hello to another 10 times.
· Possibly plunged into an office romance, a solid 40% of those in the workforce for 50 years have.
· Maybe married your office love, 45% of new retirees ended up getting hitched to their workplace honey.
· Used 1.2 years of their lives commuting to the job.
· Used 1.4 years of vacation time.
· Spent a whopping 2 years out of work due to sickness or claiming sickness.
· Enjoyed 285 days of paid holidays.
· Earned at least $40 a week minimum wage in 1958, which translates as $217.20 in today’s dollars.
· Men who are 65 plus today have a weekly median pay of $686, which unfairly compares to $534 for gals.
· Garnered lifetime earnings of $1.2 million with a high school diploma.
· A slim chance of having put savings into a 401k retirement plan. Only 22% have these plans while only 32% of workers get a company pension.
· Been among the 25% who have other resources to depend on along with their Social Security income.
· An average monthly Social Security payment of $1,094 with another $390 as the average monthly SS payment for a spouse.
· Declared, “Spending more time with family” as the number one reason for retiring.
· Expectations of working after formal retirement 54% of folks plan to still have a job.
Happy Christmas! Merry New Year! Guess it has been a few days since I’ve BLOGGED… Could it be because I haven’t been WORKING? Yes, that is it….
Stat of the Day: 7%. Chances I will be blogging tomorrow, Friday, Saturday or Sunday. I have another 4-day weekend.
Stat of the Day II: 2%. A new Rasmussen report says that only 2% of Americans think congress is doing an excellent job.
First Funny in the Morning! Signs Santa Claus Is Actually A Woman!
· A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
· Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
· Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
· Constantly whining about “equality” until it’s time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
· No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
· Seems jolly one minute, and the next thing you know, goes through the roof.. go figure..
· Prefers milk & cookies to beer & nachos.
· Wears the same “fat clothes” day after day, and keeps a size 6 red suit in the closet because by next Christmas, she IS going to be thin.
· Who else would park an over-filled sled and nine reindeer on top of a house?
6:30am… This is nice…………..Cedar Point amusement park in Sandusky, Ohio, has donated $6,500 to help feed the homeless. The money came from the pockets of people who rode the park’s roller coasters.
6:58am… Charges are likely for a Pennsylvania woman accused of piercing kittens in the ear, neck, and tail, and then selling them over the Internet as goth kittens. I guess I sometimes don’t GET IT. How is piercing a kittens ear any different than cutting the tails off dogs??
Impossible Question: One of these lasts about 5 days, what is it? Answer: A Roll of toilet paper. Winner: Wayne Wiph from Del Rapids, SD.
MEN: Watch this video! The rest of your LIFE could be affected by what you learn.
The blog is a little lean this morning...... lots of weather information and schoool closings & cancelations -- that is about it. Are you ready for the crazy weather tomorrow into Sunday? Looks like we got 4-5 inches of snow last night -- on top of what we got earlier this week. THEN tomorrow around noon, it is going to start blowing all over the place. Fun.
Great news! Am OFF (meaning, not working) at 3:30 this afternoon... until Wednesday. THEN am off Thursday through Sunday. Heck of a deal.
Impossible Question: 36% of women say this is the reason a man will not get a second date. What is it? Answer: Bad teeth Winner: Russ Graham from Beresford, South Dakota.
6:12am… Today’s SHOCKING Stat: A new survey shows that 20% of teens have sent a nude picture of themselves to someone. That goes up to 30% for 20-somethings. MY GOD! What happen to the OLDEN days when you would get out of the shower and “accidently” stand in front of the large window in the living room?
6:18am… First Funny in the Morning! Signs Your Dating a Hockey Player!
· Eating the last Fig Newton gets you bodychecked into the fridge.
· When eating steak, asks you to chew it for him.
· Constantly gets the urge to whack “Whiskers” out the cat door with a broom.
· It’s bad enough he consummates lovemaking by shouting, “He scores!” — was it really necessary to install the red light above his bed?
· When he tries to “Marv Albert” your back, there’s absolutely no danger of him breaking the skin.
· Talks funny and likes to beat up people, but doesn’t come from Alabama.
· Favorite Restaurant: Dinner in a Blender
6:30am… The Vikings - Timberwolves trip to Minneapolis is is FULL! We are taking 107 folks (plus 2 bus drivers) to the Twin Cities for a weekend of fun. Say ANYTHING about a winter storm that weekend… and there is going to be trouble.
6:47am… Today is National Wear a Plunger on Your Head Day.
7:12am… Why do men blow money on women? A University of Michigan study found that men are wired by evolution to try to impress women by spending too much money. Trust me, my wife knows… I am NOT wired that way. Insecure men are the one’s who spend WAY more than they should on their significant other – it is their attempt to overcome their overall lack of charm or wit.
7:30am… If you are a women, you should read THIS article. Heck, if you are a MAN, you should read THIS article. The story is from the Lincoln Journal Star. (Make sure you click BACK, though.
8:17am… What Else is Going on? · A new study finds people who snore burn more calories while snoozing than those who do not snore. Scientists found that the more severe a patient’s snoring the more calories they regularly burned while sleeping.
· An Australian gambler is suing a casino, claiming they should have stopped him from running up a $909 million gambling debt.
· Police in Berks County, Pennsylvania have arrested John E. Hammond Jr. 31, and Jamie Lee Custer, also 31. These two geniuses swiped an antique religious statue — valued at $100,000 — from a local shrine then chopped it up and sold for its scrap value — $952.
· The New York Times has unearthed a bizarre detail about Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich: aides must keep his black Paul Mitchell hairbrush on hand at all times.
The Times also reports that, according to former employees, Blago rarely turns up for work at his official state office in Chicago, is unapologetically late to almost everything, and can treat employees with disdain, cursing and erupting in fury for failings as mundane as neglecting to have at hand at all times….. the…. aforementioned…. hair brush.
Impossible Question: THIS is most read in the bathroom. What is it? Answer: Labels Winner: Bill Bittner from Sioux Falls, South Dakota
6:12am… Stat of the Day: 47% turn on a TV or radio to keep their pets company when leaving the animals home alone. Seriously folks… animals don’t CARE if the tv or radio is on… (unless I am on the air).
6:18am… First Funny in the Morning! POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT THE BAD ECONOMY . . . . . . · The lines at the Store are shorter.
· All those pennies you saved have a value again.
· No one can afford to send you a fruitcake this year.
· You don’t have to tip as much.
· I can finally afford to buy stocks!
· All the crappy and lazy workers are getting fired.
6:33am… Some environmentalists are claiming that soda causes global warming because carbonated beverages release carbon dioxide…… When will these people go away?
6:58am… Seventh-grader Michael Smith got to school in Charlotte, North Carolina this week and there was a big sign at the entrance congratulating him on becoming a spelling bee champ. Misspelled were the word congratulations and his first name. Wow, unbileevable!
7:04am… Anyone notice the price of gas is creeping up again? Kind of odd, since the price of a barrel of oil yesterday closed at just over $44. Hopefully, “speculation” doesn’t take over again.
7:30am… Ice fishing anyone? Greg Wagner with the Nebraska Game & Parks says BE CAREFUL.
7:47am… The Iraqi reporter who hurled his shoes at President Bush’s head was ordered to appear before a judge yesterday… In his bare feet! They are talking about the possibility of locking this guy up for 15 years. Does that not seem a bit harsh? No harm, no foul?
8:15am… Today, I killed “What’s Happening in YOUR Town”. We get 10-15 PLEAS for public service annoucements everyday via email and US Post Office, so I thought, HEY, lets provide an on-air forum that will give folks the chance to get on the air to talk about their non-profit event.
Nope.
We had a couple of days in which folks called, but not ONE call this week. Odd, really. If I were in charge of a fundraiser, local event or Christmas program, I JUMP at the opportunity for FREE pubicity… there just isn’t a need to help non-profits, I guess. OR perhaps folks to take part in non-profit events aren’t REALLY all that committed to making their event a success. Am I whining? Probably… probably more annoyed. But it looks to be the truth.
Impossible Question: 40% of women admit they do THIS at times when they are upset. What is it? Answer: Throw a shoe. Winner: Julie French from Meridan, Iowa.
6:12am… Stat of the Day: 42% of people have fallen asleep on the job. (What?? ONLY 42%? Who hasn’t slept on the job?)
6:18am… First Funny in the Morning! Signs the Santa at the Mall is Crazy!
· He has nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
· Insists on blowing his nose in your child’s hair.
· Right before the souvenir photo is snapped, he whispers, “This year, you’re getting *squat*!”
· Gives each kid a candy cane, except he pulls them out from his nose.
· When kids say, “My daddy says you’re not really Santa!”, he responds with, “He’s not really your daddy.”
· If the kid doesn’t want a candy cane from his nose, he gives the kid a pack of smokes.
· Speaking of smokes… While it’s admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is scaring the heck out of the kiddies.
6:30am…Volunteers in South Dakota are asked to make fudge for South Dakota Prison inmates. Fudge is just one item in a Holiday Package that is distributed to inmates each year. Other items in the package: Hard candy, peanuts, candy canes and a Christmas card. Items the inmates WISH were in the Holiday Package: -Porn
-Perhaps a commercial grade file -AND a super sharp shank!
What else?
Impossible Question: Experts say thinking of THIS will give you an instant energy boost! What is it? Answer: Your favorite song Winner is Mark Wilcox from Marcus, Iowa
Former Iowa State Football Coach Gene Chizik is the new coach at Auburn. Watch the video and see how he is being received in Alabama…
People are WAY too sensitive. “Saturday Night Live” is under attack for airing a skit portraying the Governor of New York as incompetent simply because he can’t see… See for yourself!
President Bush had some “size 10’s” thrown at him yesterday. Did you see the video?
First Funny in the Morning!
Reasons Why It’s Wonderful To Be A Woman!
· When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.
· A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she’ll think she’s gay.
· Women live longer than men.
· A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
· If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.
· Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.
· If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she’s cute.
· Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.
· Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week.
· A woman can never be blamed if it’s wet on the floor around the toilet bowl… or CAN they?????
6:45am… Today is coon skin cap day!
The woman kicked out of the New York Giants game for not being dressed properly: This isn’t what she was wearing — still trying to find the picture, but similar. Looks like a woman who wants a lot of attention.
Impossible Question: 68% of kids have done this emotional thing during the Christmas season. What is it? Answer: Cry on Santa’s lap Winner: Reggan Huot from Centerville, South Dakota
Am not sure if her baby is all that attractive…
